Mother's Day

This year Mother's Day was such a roller coaster of emotions. Most likely because I am totally hormonal after giving birth. Being a mother is such a crazy mix of the absolute most amazing thing as well as difficult in soul-searching and exhausting ways. I feel unbelievably blessed to be a mother to these four incredible kids. I thank Heavenly Father every single day (and more...) that he gave them to Jared & I. There is nothing else on this earth that brings me the joy that I feel watching them and spending time with them. My favorite moments are those when we are just snuggling or reading books together. I love our family walks together when I am a few steps behind and look ahead to see Jared and my three big kiddos while Vanessa is snuggled up to my chest. Those are the moments I want to freeze and make last forever. My heart is so full.

On the other hand, I spent the day thinking of all the ways I wish I were a better mother. I think that is the hardest part of motherhood for me. I really struggle with the vast distance between the mother I want to be and have envisioned in my mind and the mother I actually am each and every day. I wake up each morning and want to spend a certain amount of time with each child or even just read a book to or teach them something. Every evening I go to bed and look back at the things I never got to and don't get to most days. My days are filled with diapers and feeding and wiping up messes which I really don't mind except that it detracts from my time and energy for the older ones. I know these things will get easier as time passes, but each day that passes is another day older for Grey & Elise. They really get the short end of the bargain right now. And I feel like with four of them, I am giving every single ounce of myself but the kids aren't getting much of anything since it is spread so wide between them.

Also, as a worrier (thanks mom!), I worry about the future. I worry about the struggles and trials these sweet spirits will have to face. They are so innocent and perfect and I just dread the hardships they have ahead. I worry whether Jared & I are preparing them well enough for those things. It has been on my mind a lot this year with Grey's baptism coming up. I want him to be fully aware of the choice he is making. I want him to understand it as much as an 8 year old can. I want to help him set up the framework for the rest of his life. And the same for each of the other kids. I am rambling now... but I will say how grateful I am for prayer because I would not survive the difficult parts of motherhood without it. And I need prayer to express my gratitude for this amazing gift of being a mother.